Thursday, April 30, 2009

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." Andy Warhol

I spent the first part of these last few weeks angry at my baby sister. I was so angry I stopped eating, and when my Mother force-fed me meals of soup (guilt eating) I was quickly rid of them. I was emotionally dead, nothing made me smile and I couldn't bear to leave my room, let alone my bed. I slept for the first 3 days after our fight. The worst part was, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't cry.

It took me nearly a week to join my family on the couch, simple pleasures such as watching Grand Designs with my Mum and sister were replaced with a sombre, eyes-wide-open sleep stretched across my bed. I emerged when I knew my sister had gone out, and it was only then I was able to collapse into my Mothers arms and sob. And sob. Choking, deep tears that had culminated over the week flowed from my eyes, down my cheeks and covered my Mums shoulders.

"You know Charlotte. When you were a little girl and I used to shout at Hannah, she used to run behind you and clutch your back. And you never let me near her. But when you were naughty, she would never come to help you".

It didn't make me feel better. But I knew what she was saying.

It has only been a few days since things changed. She approached the subject when I couldn't escape, picking me up from work and choosing the worlds longest route home. It was painful, gut-wrenching. I couldn't look at her as she explained away her doings. But I was no longer loathing, I could accept her poor excuses for a poor behaviour. And the balance of power shifted. I held the upper hand.

Stuck at a set of traffic lights. The night was dark, and the rain had misted the autumnal leaves lining the drive home. I was wrapped in shawls and scarfs, she was sitting cold in a thin cardigan, and glasses misted by the tears she was barely suppressing. She stuttered apology after apology until I told her to Stop.

I unwrapped the scarf from around my neck and wrapped it around hers. She grabbed my hand, and told me that she loves me. And as a small smile broke onto her face, I pulled away from her and curled myself up into a ball and told her "I know."

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